I hate change. I’m really bad at it and it doesn’t exhilarate and enthrall me the way it does for other people. Examples? I haven’t rearranged my room or painted it in over 10 years. I’ve worked at the same place for 6 years, which in itself isn’t too weird to me except that I did the same thing for 4 of those years. I stayed at my community college for an extra year simply because I was afraid of change and what was going to come after it (and I didn’t take the right classes-that too).
I am BAD AT CHANGE. It makes my stomach hurt and I feel all twisty and it makes me want to cry and hide from the world. I’m a big fan of hiding from your problems instead of solving them. Let me live in a world of make believe where everything is fine and perfect exactly the way it is (even though it’s not and I’m not).
Even though change is so hard for me, it seems like there’s been A LOT of it lately-and when I say lately, I mean not just the last 6-8 months, but the last year to year and a half, too. Things have been a roller coaster for the last year and a half and it’s felt very strange.
Mondo changes at work starting last spring, spanning up until now and not stopping any time soon, involving me and my job title and hours and responsibilities. Changes in friends, in the people who I hang out with and see on a regular basis. Changes in school-last spring all of my good friends from my university graduated and moved on to Real World Things (aka grad school) and left me behind finishing undergrad. Then I graduated and started on this weird journey of “hey what the fuck is going on in my head and my life and my moods and my body and wtf” that I am currently perpetually stuck in. I’m done with turbulence. I need the waves to stop; I need to drift. I need to stop feeling so restless. On top of all that, it feels like everything is changing but I am doing the same thing day after day. WHAT? THAT’S NOT EVEN A THING. I don’t get it. I really don’t.