Let’s see where we wake up tomorrow

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

I’m exhausted. I’ve been up since 5am, and my limbs are aching to be in bed and slip into sleep. I had a good day, for all intents and purposes. I worked this morning and into the afternoon, and it was really slow, being Labor Day and all, so my work load was definitely light. I spent some time with my family, then caught up with a good friend and saw Ghostbusters (it’s back in theaters for a week because of its 30th anniversary). 

Despite the pleasant-ness of my day, I can’t shake a few thoughts. This is the first time in my life since kindergarten that I won’t be going to school this fall. That’s 19 years, in case you were counting (because I was). I haven’t bought folders, notebooks and pens and packed a backpack to go to school. I haven’t analyzed a school map on the internet to see where my classes might be. I haven’t had a heart attack over how much my textbooks cost, or packed a lunch, or anything. And I won’t be. 

Tonight is just another night for me, instead of the Night Before School Starts. I won’t spend tonight tossing and turning and worrying, at least about school. I’ve always done that, in case you were wondering. I had a million Night Before School Starts in my career as a student, and yet I could never sleep the night before. But tonight I’ll presumably just fall asleep, unless I can’t sleep for other reasons (I haven’t been sleeping well lately anyway). 

Tomorrow will just be another day for me. I’ll wake up, eat, shower, and go to work like normal. I’m in a routine. I’m in a pattern, just like with school. But it feels weird. 

Part of me knows that my days of school are not over forever. Who knows what comes next for me and I’m genuinely trying to figure that out, while trying to be kind to myself and remind myself over and over that I’m trying, and working hard, and no one can really ask much more of me. People judge the journey I’m on-I used to hate people who use the word journey to describe their life events and now I’m one of them-because they don’t understand what’s running through my mind, and I’m trying to be okay with that, too. I’m trying to be okay with a lot of things, including this “I don’t go back to school like other people” thing. 

So tonight I will bury myself in shitty YA novels and music from a movie I just saw, because that is what I need, and that is what my normal looks like tonight. 

Here, listen to this and get in my head, and feel what I feel like right now. 

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