how Facebook ruined any and all emotional progress I’ve made to being a healthy, well formed adult

I’m going to be totally honest…I’ve spent such a huge part of my life hoping, wishing, praying that you’d wake up one morning and miss me enough to change your trajectory of life so that it’d run into mine.

My pretty, shiny Fantasy usually starts with a phone call, in which you’re tripping over your words, apologizing for how badly you’ve fucked up, how much you’ve missed me, and how ready you are to be in my life for good. The twist is that in the Fantasy, you mean it. You mean every word with every fiber of your being, and you show it. She doesn’t exist, and neither do the rest of the kids. It sounds mean, but the only two I really want a relationship with are the ones who are related to me, my half-brothers. I’m sorry, but that’s what it is. You move back here, you find a good job, and we have a relationship. It’s not an extraordinary relationship, mind you. It’s simple, but it’s nice. We have lunch now and again, and sometimes we catch a movie. You text me sometimes and tell me to have a good day, and I sometimes call you and ask for your advice about something that’s bothering me.

I’ve never wanted anything huge from my Dad…I’ve only ever wanted a normal relationship. I don’t want him to buy me a car or shower me with gifts or even that much attention. I’ve just always craved a father-daugther relationship, and I guess that a small part of me always will. It’s been six years since I’ve last seen or heard anything from him. That blows my mind, but for the first time in my life I can say that I’m living something close to normality in terms of not having him. By that I mean that this is the first time in almost 24 years of being alive that I don’t think about him a lot. He’ll cross my mind once in a while, in the most mundane of ways…when I pass the street we always took to get to his house, or I hear a song that he particularly loved. Those happen every now and again, but like I said, they’re few and far between anymore, and I like that. I have a normalcy in my life, and it doesn’t involve him, and I like that. This weekend, one Facebook search ruined that.

I found my dad and all of my step-siblings and half-siblings on Facebook and now I can’t stop thinking. Should I friend request him? Or them? Part of me knows that it won’t end well, and that I’ll end up where I was before. I’m too old to be where I was before…I need to be a mature, grounded adult, who appreciates what she has, not someone who pines for somebody who doesn’t give a shit. So I don’t know what to do. And blah.

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