I struggle a lot with how much of my personal life to bring into this blog.
That might sound crazy, and it feels crazy, given the fact that in some ways I’ve been more open and honest here, on this blog, than I have been in person in…years. Possibly ever. I’ve shared my writing, which is something I’ve never done before, and I’ve shared my thoughts and feelings about situations that I don’t talk about out loud. It helps that I’ve only shared this blog with three people that I know in my real life-all of which I trust not to judge what comes out of this keyboard for various reasons. (Side note: Isn’t it interesting how open we can be with complete strangers on the internet, yet we can also be completely closed off from the other people who are actually around us? Another entry for another time.)
But, regardless, I don’t do too much sharing of the ins and outs of my day to day life here, because for the most part it’s not all that interesting. I also don’t want to get in the trap of talking about nothingness, because I wanted this all to be about honing writing skills that I’m not even sure I have.
However, right now, I just want to dump everything right here, with the hopes of easing my mind and helping me sleep a little bit. Because that’s exactly what I should be doing right now.
I’ve been under so much pressure lately. A big chunk of my life has flipped on its side, work-related, and with a new position has come with so much more responsibility and I’m…tired. I’m trying really hard to handle it all elegantly, but it’s coming out more like a mess. I’m fighting and bickering with someone I really do care about, and I know it goes both ways but I feel like a lot of comes from my own insecurities, stress, and fear about the enormous undertaking that I’ve begun on. I worry that I can’t do it. I worry. And there’s anger and frustration about not being given what I want. It’s so petty, and I feel like such a child, but there it is. I want what I wanted, and I didn’t get it, and to a certain extent I’ve thrown a fit like a child. But I’m hurt, and angry, and upset, and I have a lot of emotions flying around right now and it really isn’t bringing out the best in me. I’m pushing people away and I just want to be alone.
On top of that, I’m in the process of switching my sleep schedule around completely. I’m a night owl and now I work all mornings and have to be awake at 5am. It’s been hard, and I’m not handling that well, either. I’m really tired.
So there you have it. A vague ramble, which probably makes sense to no one, written from a haze of exhaustion. My eyes are closing. Maybe this helped.