regret

You know what’s a really crappy feeling? Regret. To (probably) quote someone else at some point somewhere, regret is a meditation on negativity and I’m sure that means it’s useless by someone’s standards or another, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling it. I’m not a ray of sunshine-that isn’t anything new to most people around me. My thoughts lean towards the cloudy on most days, and while I prefer to think of that as making me a realist, some would say I’m more of a pessimist.

To each his own. Think what you want.

Anyways, despite the personal debate of whether regret is a useless or non productive emotion, I feel it. And those who say they live their life with “no regrets”…to you I say: 1. If you don’t, wow, I envy your decision making skills and 2. You’re probably lying/exaggerating.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices I made in college, and yeah, I kind of wish I’d made different ones. I’ve worked at the same place for six and a half years, which is just crazy to me, since I got out of high school. I worked the entire time I was in college-part time for most of it, and full time the last two and a half years…because I had to. I didn’t have the option of studying and taking classes all day and night while somebody else paid for all of my bills, food, etc. If it was, I could’ve gotten a 4.0, completed tons of community service and observation hours to pad my resume, bought a ton of GRE study books and gone to all the greatest prep groups, then taken the GRE six times to ensure I got the highest score possible, and then gone straight on to the graduate school of my choosing. I would’ve worked hard through all my clinic hours, gone to all the state and national speech and hearing conferences, gained excellent professional contacts, and studied my butt off in all my regular courses. Then I would’ve graduated with my Master’s degree by the age of 24 and become a speech/language pathologist at some awesome clinic or hospital making $80,000 a year starting salary. Yeah, it would’ve been nice to have that, and it would’ve made me so happy.

But that wasn’t in the cards for me, because I did work. And somewhere near my senior year in college, I got sidetracked and lost focus. I forgot what I was working towards and I started to realize how insurmountable all the pressure I was up against was. I had a lot of awesome friends backing me, telling me how smart I was, but the truth is I just didn’t have the brains or the resume to try to apply to the grad schools my peers were applying to. These are programs that can be harder to get into than an ivy league college, and my graduating 3.34 GPA, while something I worked hard for and accomplished, wasn’t enough. Yeah, I can’t be certain because I didn’t try, but I got discouraged.

Lately I’ve been thinking about what it’d be like to go back to school. For something else. Maybe SLP work isn’t what I’m meant to do. It’s what I’d like to do, but time-wise, money-wise…maybe it’s not. I can always go back and do a post-Bacc Master’s in something else. What the people around me don’t understand is that this doesn’t have to be the end of the line for me. I worked damn hard for my Bachelor’s degree and I’m not going to let it go to waste. I just have to…figure out what my next move is. Because when I make a next move, it’s going to be scary and big because it’s going to be life changing, and I don’t do that very well.

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