The last few weeks have been the hardest of my life. They’ve been full of emotion, questions, anger, and depression. I’ve been trying to go through the motions of my everyday life, and figure out what my new normal is supposed to look like…what my new normal without Michele in my life is supposed to look like.
Grief is definitely a very weird thing to go through. I’ve always known that everybody grieves differently, but having to continue on during my normal life during this time has proven to be the most difficult. In a way, I’ve been grateful for the distraction that work and other obligations provides to me; it keeps me busy, and stops me from stewing on things. But sometimes when things are crazy and I’m running around and everyone is demanding a million things of me, I just want to toss my hands up and say that I just can’t do it right now. It’s been three weeks, not three years. Michele wasn’t my mother, but she was like one to me, and despite the fact that when someone hears that your aunt died and they think that she wasn’t a close family member, she was. And a lot of the time what I really need is for people to back up and give me some breathing room, and maybe be a little self sufficient for once.
I’m someone who has always deflected things with humor. I love to make people laugh and for a huge portion of my life, it’s been a really intense shield that I’ve used to deflect pretty much everything. I do not verbally talk about my feelings, and later on, I go back and read what I wrote and make fun of it. But there are so many times during the day that I just have to shove everything down and aside and concentrate on my life, and it’s incredibly hard.
Michele was, and still is, a very important person in my life. She was someone who championed almost everything I did, and I’m not over losing her yet. To be quite honest, I’m not sure that I ever will be. I’m doing my best to heal and keep going on, and a part of me knows that I’ll never “move on” from what happened. I’m going to spend the rest of my life missing her and wishing she was with us, and the gravity of what that is hasn’t really completely sunk in yet. I try to take quiet moments to think of her, and now is one of them. I read quotes that explain what I’m feeling, and I’ve been reading more and more right now. It helps me escape for a while. I spend time with my friends and family. I keep going. And I think that’s what she would have really wanted for us.
“To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”
— Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J. K. Rowling