This is so much harder than I ever really thought it could be. Grieving, I mean. It’s been almost four months since Michele died and it feels like I only took a deep breath. Time passes so quickly, it really astounds me. Until I lost her, I always thought grief was this weird stopping place where you stayed for a few weeks until things got back to normal. It never occurred to me that grief would permanently change me and my family and color my world differently, make it a different place with different expectations, and that there would be a new normal.
I don’t really know why it didn’t occur to me until it happened. Michele was a huge part of my life; a part of my every day life. Of course the loss of her would change things forever and not just for a few weeks. My mind was protecting myself, I think, from understanding what would happen to us when and if that happened.
Today was just an extra shitty day and I’ve been thinking about her an extra lot. I wish I could tell her about work and how scared I am to go under and get my wisdom teeth pulled (she’d give me the sympathy I really need, haha), and a million other little mundane things. I find myself thinking that it’s getting old, not having her here to tell things to, but it’s not changing and accepting is the hardest, and worst, part.