ahh, childhood

Sometimes I get these small, seemingly insignificant memories that I had totally forgotten about until that moment. Yesterday I was at work by myself and suddenly I had this flashback to this moment in time with my dad.

I was 13 or so, and my dad picked me up for his bi-weekly visit and told me that he and my stepmom were getting divorced. He apologized to me for everything he’d done to me as far as he was concerned-for staying with her even though she treated me like garbage, for choosing her over me, time and again, for allowing her to say terrible thing to me and basically make my life a living hell every other week- and said that things would be different. He spun a tale of how wonderful things were going to be now…he was going to get a house or an apartment, get custody of my half-brothers and we’d have a great life together. I was even going to have my own room at his place, he would make sure of it. (Yeah, I didn’t have my own room when I stayed with my Dad; in fact, I didn’t have my own bed which now seems really fucked up. They made no room for me in their lives whatsoever.) Anyways, we had a good few visits together. I let my guard down and allowed myself to start to get closer to this person who I’d been so guarded against since…basically forever.

About a month after this happened, he picked me up and said he had a surpriseĀ for me (the words every kid waits to hear, right?). He said we were going somewhere and it turned out we were going to some park. Once we got there we got out and my stepmom was there with my stepsiblings and my dad joyously cried out, “Surprise! We’re getting back together! And we’re buying a house!”

At the time I was just super disappointed and sad and upset that this horrible woman was going to be part of my life again, but looking at it as a 25 year old adult…it seems pretty fucked up to me, and I never realized it before yesterday. How does someone do that to their child? God, he’s such an asshole! I’ve made so much progress as far as moving on and letting go of my anger towards him but sometimes it just rears its ugly head. I try not to beat myself up when this happens because there’s always going to be that element of anger and upset surrounding him and what I’ve lost, but ugh. What a jerk. I just had to get that off my chest…

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