you win some, you lose some

There are days when I’m so utterly taken back at how far I’ve come in my life.

I think back to that 17 year old girl who was so depressed. The venom of self-hatred running through my veins was really thick, and I honestly didn’t see a point in living. I spent nights crying myself to sleep and wishing I had the strength to do something to end my pain.

I think back to that 20 year old girl who already felt like I’d wasted my entire life, and wished for nothing more than a do-over. I wanted to have a direction, a purpose, a sense of self, and I couldn’t find it no matter how hard I tried.

I think back to that 22 year old girl, who was so anxious about the future and wanted her dreams to come true but couldn’t find the motivation to make them happen. I drank to forget the fact that I hated myself, and to impress people who wouldn’t stay in my life forever-or for longer than a couple of years.

I think back to that 24 year old girl, newly graduated from college and with no plans for graduate school, or a career, or…anything. I was aimless, and angry and, again, depressed.

Now I’m almost 26, and in just 7 short months, I’ll be graduating with my master’s degree. I have some (sort of tentative) career plans, and I’ve learned to say yes to the opportunities in front of me, but that I have to make them happen sometimes, too. I’ve got to do what I want and plan things that make me happy.

So yeah, I’ve come a long way from the high school senior who wanted it all over. There are days when I can’t believe how far I’ve come, and days/nights where I think that there’s nothing going for me still. The point is to tighten the muzzle on those demons and shove them back in my closet, because they’re loud as hell, and after all this fucking time I refuse to let them win.

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