you were made to do hard things

I’ve been actively trying to rewire my thought patterns into ones that are more positive. I’ve recognized lately, through some help of those around me and a lot of reflection, that my automatic thought processes lean towards the negative, and putting that kind of energy out there just isn’t good for anyone involved. That being said, I am, by nature, more pessimistic, and I could entertain you all with the tales of why that is, but it doesn’t really matter right at this moment. The truth of the matter is that right now, things for me are really hard, and I’m looking down a dark tunnel that I don’t know how I’m going to get through.

I’ve been shoving my feelings further and further into my mental closet for months now, slamming the door shut whenever anything feels too big. The problem is, if we’re going with this metaphor and thinking of my issues like sweaters and pants and stuff in this closet, I can’t close the door any more because all of it is spilling out. Everything’s coming to a head and it’s…just…really hard right now.

I’m struggling not-so-valiantly through grad school, and the neat little path I was on and has taken an unexpected curve. I was supposed to graduate in April but I found out a month ago that-long story short-because of an issue with my last class in the program not being able to be combined with the others, I have to take it by itself in the summer and push my graduation until August. It’s not the end of the world, and this is a fixable problem. It doesn’t negate all the hard work I’ve done. It just stresses me out. On top of that, I’m in this finance class right now that is killing me because I’m not good at math.

I’m still fighting this weird depression fog that came from losing a good friend of mine in July. Most days I’m okay, but there are days when I wish I could give in to my whims and lay in bed all day. Deep in my heart, I know it would make it worse, but sometimes the thought of even getting out of bed seems insurmountable.

To top it off, I just recently got some news that my grandpa might be sick. He called the other day and said next week they’re operating to remove a tumor, and that’s all we really know right now, but it’s making me sick with worry. I can’t sleep, I can’t study, I can’t focus on anything. My friend keeps telling me to think positively because I’m wasting worry on something that hasn’t even happened yet, but I can’t help it. My grandpa is the best person I know. He’s so important to me that I can’t even stomach the thought of something being wrong. I just keep praying.

I need this shitty year to be over. I have some exciting things coming up but it’s all being overshadowed by the Big Bad Shit. I need to find a way to stay grounded and think positively. Just…keep…going.

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