the bitter, late-night ramblings of a girl with ~daddy issues~

I. Hate. Father’s Day. I understand why people like it, and it’s nice to let the people in your life know that you appreciate them. Sure, you don’t need a special day to do that, but I’m not one to shit all over everything if someone enjoys it. I love celebrating those I love, too. I’m just going to go on record as saying that my hatred of Father’s Day is solely because I don’t have a Dad.

Last year I made a post about how it’s okay that I don’t have a Dad, and that my life isn’t ruined. This is all still true. I’m close to finishing grad school. I have a job that I work hard at that grows my managerial skill set every day. I have amazing friends and family. All of this is possible because of the people who chose to stay in my life, and is not negated by the fact that my Dad decided to step out.

But my God…did this particular Father’s Day irk me. It unsettled me and made me stare at my computer screen angrily, fighting with myself to not be an extra bitch and make petty Facebook comments.

In truth, it all started a few days ago. I’m friends with my Dad and my two step-sisters on Facebook. I started noticing that he’s been sharing these posts about being a good person and not judging others, and being responsible. It started to get on my nerves because he’s the least responsible person I know.

Then this morning…I noticed that one of my stepsisters tagged him in a post where she thanked him for stepping up and being an amazing Dad to her and giving her a great childhood. Then my other stepsister chimed in and made her own post thanking him for taking on the extra responsibility of kids that weren’t his own and being a great Dad and grandfather to his now-grandkids. I had to physically put my phone down and walk away from my computer to refrain myself from commenting.

I mean, it’s a free world, and if that’s how they both feel it’s obviously fine for them to post it. But it just filled me with so much anger that he gets accolades and praise on social media for being a great dad to kids that weren’t even his when he couldn’t be bothered to stay in my life. We went nearly ten years without speaking and the only reason we even did is because I friend requested him on Facebook. He doesn’t even remember my birthday, and just chimes in with a message once every 4-6 months saying “hi, I love you!” So, cool that he’s a great dad to you guys, but he’s a shitty human being. That’s the definition of a shitty human being, one who can’t be bothered to parent his ONLY BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER.

I spent soooo many years working through these feelings of insecurity and “what was so wrong with me?” all on my own. I’ve made amazing progress and in my active, educated mind I tell myself to look around me. Look at the people who care, look at what you’ve accomplished, and pat yourself on the back. He had no hand in this and look how not shitty your life is. But dammit if those posts didn’t take me back to adolescence and wondering why I was so unlovable. Fuck this Hallmark holiday. My heart hurts tonight.

(BUT I did wish several of the wonderful men in my life, who deserved it, a Happy Father’s Day. Kudos on the men who make great lives for their kids. You rock.)

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